No Pain Please

This was in response to a woman who asked what kinds of “pain scenes” could she do since she “didn’t like pain”.

 

A woman flew all the way from Chicago to have her first scene with me.  Very quickly I discovered that she might have had extreme masochistic fantasies but she was a veritable well of adrenaline.  The slightest pain and she had a panic attack.

I solved it by tying her to the bed, spreadeagled and naked, and then running a knife over her body while a vibrator was buzzing away.  While I was doing this, I told her all the things I was going to do to her.

It worked.

No Safeword

This one is pretty common.  “Should I do a “no safeword scene”.

I’m deeply reluctant to do “no safeword” scenes while many bottoms find them attractive, at least in the abstract.  In its essence, it would be impossible to “break” a person if they person could end the action through safewords so an analysis of this sort of scene should cast light on what can happen.

For me to do a “no safeword” scene, it has to be arranged that I don’t know that the safeword is being uttered.  My ethical sense, otherwise, would compel me to stop the scene.

The mechanism I use is to order the bottom to use her and other safewords often and frivolously at the beginning of the scene, so I don’t know when, later, she is serious.

In my half century I’ve done exactly three “no safeword” scenes.  They were with women I knew well and whom I knew were very heavy bottoms.  They had also begged me for long periods to do this sort of scene with them.

Two of the scenes went well although neither I nor the women had much desire for a replication.  The third, however, did not.  She developed such an intense terror concerning me that she not only could not stand to be in my presence even in the most vanilla atmospheres, but the mere thought of me or mention of my name would create intense anxiety.  To her credit, she didn’t blame or criticize me; she was aware that it was an artifact of a scene that she’s willingly sought.  However, in the end, she moved to another community.

Red-headed Dom

The question was “Have you ever met a dominant who wanted to submit?”

 

At a PEP party in Nashville a number of years ago, I was introduced to a lovely red-headed professional dominant dressed in skin-tight green latex.  During the party, we occasionally interacted and at the end she invited me to her room.

When we got there, there was a moment of tension.  We just stood looking at each other.  Finally, I said, “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable on your knees.  Her eyes flashed and her mouth opened as if she was about to refuse.”

Then she sunk to her knees.

Safe First Meeting

Sometimes, people get so hot and bothered about “how to meet safely” that I  have to firmly insert my tongue into my cheek and fire away.  After all, I’ve never heard of a woman being carried, screaming from a Starbucks.

 

Given that the world is such a dangerous place and everyone seems to be doing it wrong. Here is my modest suggestion on how a submissive woman should set up a meeting with someone she’s met online.

Scout a location. It should be outdoors in a public park with several escape routes.

Contact a former military sniper. (They advertise in the back pages of Soldier of Fortune Magazine) Have him set up on a building across from the location. Have a hand signal to let him know if he is to terminate the meeting with extreme prejudice.

Put a set of handcuffs under the bench where you plan to meet and instruct the potential rapist/murderer/terrorist to go to the bench and handcuff himself to the bench at a given time. Watch through a telephoto lens to make sure he does this. Then take his picture and using the WiFi in your camera transmit it to FaceBook and the local police.

Enter the park, activate your cell phone and press 9 and 1 or have 911 on speed dial.

Approach the subject and communicate being careful not to get closer than 10 feet.

Once the meeting is finished, step quickly and unexpectedly forward and strike him on the temple with a sap to stun him and allow you to make your escape.

As you run from the park, press your radio transmitter to detonate the smoke bombs you’ve previously positioned.

Have a wonderful relationship.

[For the humour impaired, at least three of these suggestions were actually either implemented or put forward by people who wanted to meet me.]

 

[Warning to Justin Lin: The above is copyrighted. Beware the wrath of Cordwainer Bird!]

 

Mentors

In response to the standard “I need a mentor” post…

 

I’ve noticed that a lot of people upon entering the Scene and discovering the term “Mentor,” tend  to tell themselves “I gotta get me one of them.”

I have to disagree.

The time following entry is a time of discovery, a chance to learn at a pace many of us haven’t experienced since childhood.  What it is not is a time to put your explorations in the hands of another.  Leaving aside the problem that most people who respond to this sort of wish either aren’t qualified or have ulterior motives, we are still faced with the self-evident that no mentor knows what is best for every person.

Let’s, for the moment, move this away from the sexually and emotionally charged area of The Scene.  Take someone who decides he wants to be an artist.  Imagine the pitfalls, if he limits himself to a mentor at that point.  The mentor is a skilled oil painter, respected and admired.  He spends hours, days showing the novice how to be an oil painter. If this is the novice’s bent, it’s wonderful.  However, what if, under the desire to be “an artist,” lies a need to sculpt or to do watercolor.  Then, we have a situation that is frustrating both to the mentor and to the novice.

The Scene is infinitely more diverse than art.  We have orientations and specializations within those orientations and approaches that guide how the orientations are practiced.  It is possible that one can close one’s eyes, throw a dart and hit the bulls eye.  The odds are a lot better that a scream will follow.

To me, it is far, far better for the novice to avail himself or herself, of the panoply of information that’s available.  Just the Stickies in this group supply more information that I was able to gather in years of exploration.  Then we have the ongoing threads.  There is years of reading there.  Some foolish souls have spent years writing books on various aspects of the Scene.  They are gold mines.

I’m not discounting personal contact.  This is how I learned most of what I know.  Talking to people is one of the most valuable resources one can have.  However, at an early stage in ones entry, the emphasis should be on the plural.  Contact those who post interesting messages.  Scan the profiles.  Go to munches and talk to people of all genders and orientations.  Even if a mentor is incredibly open minded, he or she can only talk about what he or she knows.  There is so much more.

Too Submissive

This was in response to a post by a submissive woman who declared that “real™ dominant men” had an “air” about them that she could detect.

 

You know, all this reminds me of an incident at Eulenspiegel a few years back.  I was passing a group of submissive women taking to a woman I sorta recognized when they burst out in hysterical laughter.

Later, I asked one of them what had been so funny and she told me that the woman I’d thought I might have seen before was a first-timer and had been asking the other women about dominant men.

At that point, I remembered where I’d seen her before.  When I’d first arrived in the City, I’d done a bit of vanilla dating.  Respectful of my new acquaintance’s feelings (and not wanting to blow a chance to get laid) I’d kept my dominant tendencies under careful control.  In that woman’s case, there wasn’t any chemistry, and I hadn’t followed through.

Well, what had created the gale of laughter was that the woman had recognized me in a bit more detail than I’d recognized her and had remarked to the other women “Oh, I know him; he’s too submissive for me.”

How to Munch

Very often people complain that there isn’t a munch nearby (usually I don’t comment about how I used to drive 8 hours each way to go to the monthly PEP meetings.

 

People occasionally say, “There’s nothing around me.”  Well, amazingly enough, at one time, there wasn’t anything anywhere.  The Eulenspiegel Society, the first heterosexual BDSM society that was open to the general public appeared only circa 1970.

Things really changed when a lady, whose online handle was STella, suggested to some of her friends on the Usenet group, .alt.sex.bondage that they might get together for a burger and some face to face talk.  For more on that, look at  this post.

Now, munches are everywhere.  If one isn’t near you all you need is a little time and a bit of courage, and you can have your own.

You don’t need money or bylaws or expertise.  It’s really quite simple.  All you need is a place.

There are two schools of thought.  Some people like a semi-private room in a restaurant.  Others like mall food courts or big casual, self-serve restaurants.  I’ll just deal with the mall first because it’s simple and a great way to get started.  When you get bigger, you can work with the restaurant types

Nobody needs permission to set down in a food court and I’ve never seen the powers-that-be object to a group moving tables together unless they don’t put them back or leave a mess.  You won’t, will you?  Scout out a corner or a such well away from travel lanes.  Then decide how you’ll let people know you are you.  I like a black balloon or two.  Other people use potted plants or a orange hat.  Just something that you won’t see three or four of in a typical food court.

Decide on a time and date.  I recommend a weekday evening.  The court won’t be busy then.  I’d also recommend to decide to do it at the same day and time for several months.  That will allow people to predict.  I advise against weekly.  It’s too easy then to say “They will be doing it next week; I’m busy now.”  Monthly builds anticipation.

Next, advertise.  FetLife is a natural place.  They have event postings you can make that are linked to a locality.  You should also go onto groups from that locality and let people know you are starting.  There are also websites that will advertise you for free.  Just Google “bdsm munch” and your location.  Use them.

Finally, go and wait.  You may have to do this a few times before people show up.  You’re nervous.  So are they.

Training

This is my  response to people who want to be “trained” before they meet their master.

 

I’m somewhat dubious about what many in the scene call “training” for submissives since this is often presented as a course of study in scene-based behavior which would fit them to be better submissives for their dominant.  The rational for this unease is: The primary purpose for most submissives, as opposed to bottoms, is to behave in a manner pleasing to their dominant.  Since the specific needs of dominants vary widely, it would be highly difficult to come up with training that can be generalized for most submissives.  For example, I have encountered submissives who have been taught to be silent during simulation or to speak in a highly stylized manner, rather than this making these people more attractive to me, it has been a distinct barrier to further interest.

There are, of course, things that a submissive could benefit from learning, for example, table setting, laundry and sexual techniques and even the proper way of answering a telephone, but these are not the truly scene-based behaviors and are relatively easy to learn outside of the scene environment.  Ironically, generalized training in specific behaviors like bondage and whipping is useful for the majority of dominants since these activities contain a significant risk that proper training can moderate.

This disquietude concerning generalized training is that it is often “pushed” by some with agendas that are far from those presented.  I have encountered a number of people who, under the guise of training novices, have abused the teaching process in order to have a body to play with without the normally expected concomitant emotional connection.

When I speak to submissives who desire to “better themselves” with the intent of finding a committed relationship with a dominant, my advice is first for them to look deep into their fantasies and decide what they really want.  This allows them to enter into negotiations from a position of awareness of their real needs and dreams.  This, in turn, will both allow them to inform their potential partner of what their expectations are (“Anything” is a word that experienced dominants have learned to view with considerable trepidation) and mitigate the potential for a serious mismatch.

Under the heading of “what should I do!” my advice generally is “listen,”  “watch,” “ask.”  It is only after the dominant has been identified that any serious specific learning can take place.  Each dominant has his or her constellation of needs that a “good” submissive has to learn.  It is in this area, that previous training presents its greatest danger since, quite reasonably, the “trained submissive” has an expectation that his or her training is applicable to these specific circumstances.  For example, let’s take a submissive who has been trained that the proper place to walk is three paces behind the master.  This can prove quite irritating to the soft-spoken master who finds herself having either to bellow or stop and turn around each time she wants to give an order.  Even more irritating is submissives who have been trained either to be passive during stimulation or those who have been trained to screech at the top of their lungs from the first touch of the whip and are now in the possession of a dominant whose style demands the opposite behavior.  The best thing to do is to recognize you are moving into a new world and keep your eyes and ears open to find out how the person you want to serve wishes to be served.

However, here’s a more succinct approach to the topic.

 

A while back, I was approached by a woman who wanted “to be my slave.”  She was very proud of the fact that she was “trained.”

Well, what did “trained” mean?

As I discovered, among other things, it meant that she 1/ could twist her body into the most unlikely of positions, some of which were attractive, some were not. 2/ She would carefully position herself to walk three paces behind me and 3/ she constantly referred to herself in the third person.

This 1/ didn’t get me a drink or a sandwich when I wanted one. 2/ Required that I either yell or get a damned crick in my neck when I wanted to talk with her and 3/ was confusing as hell particularly when reference to another woman was part of the conversation.

It did not work out.